Lying in bed, earlier than I want it to be.
The sound of children’s voices when I want quiet.
Grumbles rise to the surface, discontentment chafing.
If only I had a bigger house, quieter children…
Recognising the path my thoughts are taking, reining them in,
Offering thankfulness for this house, these children, this life.
And then His whisper in my mind:
“Can you rejoice in Me?”
Not just thanking Him for His blessings,
But basking in His presence,
Opening my heart to the rays of His love,
Looking past the changing circumstances, good or ill,
And seeing the One who never alters.
I will rejoice in You!
The last couple of weeks have been difficult. Tension with a family member has dragged up emotions and memories from the past that still have the power to wound me. I am stung again by rejection, criticism and the feeling of never measuring up. Once I start thinking this way, it becomes habitual, and almost anything can trigger off the negativity, even an article in the newspaper about someone’s ‘perfect mother.’ I am reminded of all the ways I fail, and start thinking I am pathetic, hopeless and just generally a blot on the landscape. Why do I listen to that voice? I don’t want to fight this battle over and over again. I am in tears many times a day, remembering, and then turning to God for comfort and truth. There are some things He has told me that I have to hold on to:
“My Father’s house has many rooms.” John 14:2
I am loved and welcomed by my Heavenly Father, always accepted because of Jesus my Saviour.
“You are a daughter of the King.” Romans 8:15
No longer dressed in rags, but in his robes.
“We must obey God, rather than men.” Acts 5:29
My allegiance is to Him, not to others’ expectations. This is particularly difficult when I love and respect a person, and they disapprove of my choices, even though I believe that I am obeying my Heavenly Father. People-pleasing is only taking me down the well-worn path of rejection and despair. God will not take me there.
I feel like I am a child again, confused and wanting desperately for someone to look after me. I feel completely inadequate to be a parent to my children when I am still a child myself. But somehow my children are beautiful, sensitive people, who are growing in faith and learning to care for others.