The last couple of weeks have been difficult. Tension with a family member has dragged up emotions and memories from the past that still have the power to wound me. I am stung again by rejection, criticism and the feeling of never measuring up. Once I start thinking this way, it becomes habitual, and almost anything can trigger off the negativity, even an article in the newspaper about someone’s ‘perfect mother.’ I am reminded of all the ways I fail, and start thinking I am pathetic, hopeless and just generally a blot on the landscape. Why do I listen to that voice? I don’t want to fight this battle over and over again. I am in tears many times a day, remembering, and then turning to God for comfort and truth. There are some things He has told me that I have to hold on to:
“My Father’s house has many rooms.” John 14:2
I am loved and welcomed by my Heavenly Father, always accepted because of Jesus my Saviour.
“You are a daughter of the King.” Romans 8:15
No longer dressed in rags, but in his robes.
“We must obey God, rather than men.” Acts 5:29
My allegiance is to Him, not to others’ expectations. This is particularly difficult when I love and respect a person, and they disapprove of my choices, even though I believe that I am obeying my Heavenly Father. People-pleasing is only taking me down the well-worn path of rejection and despair. God will not take me there.
I feel like I am a child again, confused and wanting desperately for someone to look after me. I feel completely inadequate to be a parent to my children when I am still a child myself. But somehow my children are beautiful, sensitive people, who are growing in faith and learning to care for others.