The last couple of weeks have been difficult.  Tension with a family member has dragged up emotions and memories from the past that still have the power to wound me.  I am stung again by rejection, criticism and the feeling of never measuring up.  Once I start thinking this way, it becomes habitual, and almost anything can trigger off the negativity, even an article in the newspaper about someone’s ‘perfect mother.’ I am reminded of all the ways I fail, and start thinking I am pathetic, hopeless and just generally a blot on the landscape.  Why do I listen to that voice?  I don’t want to fight this battle over and over again.  I am in tears many times a day, remembering, and then turning to God for comfort and truth.  There are some things He has told me that I have to hold on to:

“My Father’s house has many rooms.”  John 14:2

I am loved and welcomed by my Heavenly Father, always accepted because of Jesus my Saviour.

“You are a daughter of the King.”  Romans 8:15

No longer dressed in rags, but in his robes.

“We must obey God, rather than men.”  Acts 5:29

My allegiance is to Him, not to others’ expectations.  This is particularly difficult when I love and respect a person, and they disapprove of my choices, even though I believe that I am obeying my Heavenly Father.  People-pleasing is only taking me down the well-worn path of rejection and despair.  God will not take me there.

I feel like I am a child again, confused and wanting desperately for someone to look after me.  I feel completely inadequate to be a parent to my children when I am still a child myself.  But somehow my children are beautiful, sensitive people, who are growing in faith and learning to care for others.

6 thoughts on “Pain

  1. Dear Jo, although I’m not saying this is the reason why you are having painful feelings as I don’t know very much about your Childhood only what you have shared in this heart touching message but I have found, which I shared on Pastor Joe’ Blog this morning and than rebloged his message about God’s Love, that those including myself who have experienced abusive Childhoods find it hard to Love and Live freely because they see God in the same focus as they experienced their fathers love, provision and direction and/or their mothers nurturing and care, this than reflects on all their relationships, only Jesus can heal them but they need to let Him and believe He will and yes they can ask Him to help them do this because many have no Trust left.

    2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of Power, and of Love, and of a Sound Mind. (KJV)

    Sadly some depend on Secular counseling, even given in the Church, where they focus mostly on the problem and not on the cure and so the person becomes self absorbed, yes we will remember our past but in Christ Jesus we will not have the pain that was part of it, which many still feel and respond to.

    We do what God tells us to do (see below) which is what you also shared with Acts, not man and than regardless of our past, we have a sound mind and Live in Victory, Joy, Peace, Hope and we rest in Jesus which is Eternal because when we are Born again we have God’s seed or Nature. 1John3:9

    Philippians 4:6-8 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

    This does not mean that life has no problems or hardships to deal with or that we never cry and are always Happy Clappy, I call my tough times Storms as some Scripture refers to them but we have God’s assurance as we go through them that He is with us and gives us strength to endure when needed and He will protect our Soul and keep us strong to the end, He is a very Loving Daddy, as shown clearly in the Scripture I shared on one of your other Posts.

    I will be praying for you Jo and would value yours.

    Christian Love from both of us – Anne.

  2. Hi Anne,
    Thanks for your comment and for praying for me. I can not say that my childhood was abusive, especially compared to yours. It is hard for me to write about as my parents are Christians and I want to honour them. I know that they did the best that they could. However the fact remains that some aspects of my childhood were very painful and I am still hurting. God is healing me. It’s taking a while but there is definitely progress.

    • I found Jo, that my healing came as I believed in God as a Loving God and not one who is seeking to discipline me harshly, abuse brings abuse. God does not willingly afflict us and His plans for us are very good but I needed The Holy Spirit and God’s wisdom to be able to know and accept this Truth and so I asked for both of them and I believe without doubt that I have received them.

      It also brought me great healing to understand that hurt people, hurt people, No I may not be able to reach them behind their wall of anger, hate, fear, bitterness and resentment but I can know that it is their problem not mine and so not feel guilty and worried but it also gives me compassion for them and so I can forgive and move on in Love, as I pray wholeheartedly for their freedom from the foothold that Satan has in their lives.

      You said Jo, you don’t want to be a people pleaser and that is very good, when what we say is not genuine it is best left unsaid or undone when what we do is not because we want to. But I look for the good in others and commend this and I’m very thankful for those who show they care in actions and words and I really want to thank them, yet if needed I do offer correction which is not always appreciated even though I confirm what I share with Scripture or Creation or common sense but people have itching ears and the carnal flesh nature, hates correction.

      If you would like them Jo, I can give you some links to Stories by others that I received over the years and have Posted since I started Blogging, they have encouraged me not to give up and helped me to keep focusing on what was good and uplifting as I battled through the Storms of life.

      The link below reminded me that I am very much a person of worth and you are too Jo. The song God gave me when I thought I came from an Ape and He was just made up but He chose to need me even though I just a one cow woman or so I thought.

      God needed me –

      Christian Love Always – Anne

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