In January we had visitors from Germany come to stay with us. They were friendly and fun, playing swing ball and jumping on the trampoline with our children. However their stay also highlighted for me some problems in our family that needed to be dealt with. It was painful at the time, but I’m grateful for the work God did….
You have long blond hair, a sweet round face, and sturdy limbs. You love to sing and dance. I watch you on the trampoline and I laugh at the big words you use and your decided opinions. You act tough, but can suddenly crumple at a harsh word or angry tone. Sometimes you use words as weapons, lashing out at your three older siblings, and I wonder how you learnt that and why you want to hurt them. You are growing fast and will soon be too big for my lap, and I suddenly want to put brakes on Time and keep you little for longer, and make up for the moments I did not cherish earlier.
I’m sorry to say that I resented you when you were little: the years of waking up every night for no reason I could make out, the annoyance of trying to keep everyone else quiet during your naps, the ‘inconvenience’ having a baby or toddler caused. I even spoke the words, “I wish…..” I don’t want to finish the sentence now because it is too painful to remember. I didn’t realise the treasure God had given us in you.
I saw the damage my attitude had caused, when we had visitors in January and my little 5-year-old girl clung to a stranger, wanting to hold her hand and sit on her lap, things you never did with me. God forgive me for my blindness. That night I lay awake and wept because of the wrong I had done you and the words I had spoken many times, though never to your face, “I don’t want another baby if it is like M.” I take them back. I love you, Moppet. It doesn’t matter how much disruption you cause. Nothing changes the fact that you’re my treasure.
Your Daddy and I prayed together and repented of our words and attitudes. God gave us His peace and I know that He will heal our relationship and make it beautiful. I’ve been holding you more, and expressing my love for you, praying with you and playing with you. I know things are changing and I’m grateful.
Love you forever,